


Ancient and Forever

by ElsaIsThereLifeOnMars



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Loss of Identity, Memory Loss, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, Psychological Trauma, River looks after her wife, Space Wives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25085128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElsaIsThereLifeOnMars/pseuds/ElsaIsThereLifeOnMars
Summary: The Doctor is not the same when she returns from imprisonment by the Jadoon. Since finding out that she is the Timeless Child, she's struggling to make sense of her own existence. The Tardis takes her to the one person that has always understood her like no-one else to help her face up to her emotions.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 44
Kudos: 170





	Ancient and Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This was meant to be a little short in response to a prompt but it turned into a full blown one shot that I really enjoyed writing. It was good to have a little break from my bigger WIP. 
> 
> The prompt was: “Are you still taking 13/River prompts because I’ve just finished the river story line and I am emotional. If you are could you pretty please write one where the doc gets rescued from her prison and a bloody hug/a therapy session from her damn wife cause that timeless child thing was a lot and my baby has been tortured by people who were supposed to look after her“
> 
> Hope you like it, let me know what you think!

**Ancient and Forever**

“We have to do something…“ Yaz whispered to Ryan and Graham, as they watched the Doctor from a distance. She sat on the floor of the Tardis flight deck, leaning against a pillar and read a book. She hadn’t moved for hours and it was beyond unsettling. They had never actually witnessed her staying still for such a long period of time before. Something had happened to their friend since they had parted ways on her home planet Gallifrey. The Doctor had sent them back to Earth, and remained behind herself to destroy the Cybermasters in a suicidal ploy. That had been the last they had seen of their time travelling friend for months. Despite their faith in her, they were starting to presume her dead, when suddenly, the Tardis had turned up on their doorstep... but without the Doctor. It had come to collect them on its own accord, and taken them to the prison where she was being held. Since they rescued her from that place, she had been like this. Pensive, quiet, still. The complete opposite of the bubbly person they knew and cared so much for.

“She just won’t talk about it, we’ve all tried.“ Graham said, crossing his arms in front of his chest. They had run out of ideas.

“What is it that she’s reading?“ Ryan asked. “The cover looks like the Tardis…“

“You know I can hear you, you know? It’s dead quiet in here…“ The Doctor said, but didn’t look up from her book.

“We’re worried about you, Doc.“ Graham stated, as the three of them exchanged worried looks and stepped closer.

“You’re not yourself.“ Ryan added.

“Why don’t you tell us what happened after we left Gallifrey. How did you end up in that prison. What…“ Yaz was hoping to get her talking, but she could tell from the look on the Doctor’s face, that she wasn’t going to get her answers.

“I don’t want to talk about it.“ The Doctor responded and turned a page.

“So, you’re just going to sit there?“ Yaz clarified and the Doctor nodded.

“Why don’t we go somewhere, so you can distract yourself.“ Graham suggested.

“Not right now.“ The Doctor shook her head.

“What are you reading?“ Yaz asked, hoping to gain some insight that way. It was the only thing the Doctor had done since her return.

“It’s private.“ The Doctor answered firmly, and returned her attention to the well worn pages. Whatever it was, it seemed to help, so they decided to leave her to it. They retreated to the Tardis control panel.

“We could really do with some help right now…“ Yaz mumbled, her eyes flicking across the various screens and controls. “Come on, Tardis. You came to get us so we could save her, but she’s not saved yet. Haven’t you got another ace up your sleeve?“ They often forgot that the Tardis was sentient in its own way, but their recent experiences had driven the point home. Surely, no-one knew the Doctor as well as the Tardis did. Maybe she knew of something that would help her. 

“Nice try…“ Ryan shrugged when nothing happened. Then, against all their expectations, the Tardis sprang to life and launched into the time vortex.

“What have you done now?“ The Doctor groaned annoyed, and clambered to her feet. She slipped her book into her coat pocket for safe keeping before walking to the console. “You just had to encourage her, didn’t you. Where do you think you’re going?“ She scolded the Tardis, but they landed before she had time to find out their destination. “Go back.“ The Doctor insisted, not caring to find out where they had been taken. She set coordinates on the console, but stubbornly, the Tardis turned itself off. She refused to go anywhere else, even the lights went out. “Very mature.“ The Doctor huffed in annoyance. She realised there was no other way but to go and see what the Tardis had in mind for them. “You guys stay back, I have no idea where we are, it might be dangerous.“

“I doubt the Tardis would take us anywhere dangerous.“ Yaz retorted, as they all followed the Doctor, who was using her sonic screwdriver as a flashlight to get them to the door. “We’re all just trying to help, maybe she thinks this place will do that.“ 

“I very much doubt it will.“ The Doctor replied, and stepped outside the blue box. They had expected all sorts of exotic, weird and wonderful locations, but instead they found themselves in a bedroom. It was spacious enough to allow a few meters between the Tardis and the large bed. It was wrapped in shadows, as apparently, it was the middle of the night. The only light source was the lamp on top of the Tardis. It was bright enough to illuminate the person that slowly sat up. No-one could sleep through the racket of the Tardis landing.

“I actually just had a really nice dream about you...“ The woman mumbled sleepily, and brushed her wild curls back which were very messy. She seemed remarkable unfazed, considering a large blue box had just turned up on the middle of her bedroom, and four people had piled out of it. “I have to admit though, Doctor, it was just us in my dream…“ She lazily reached for the lamp on her nightstand and turned it on.

“River…“ The Doctor whispered in shock, as she stared at the woman she had married over a thousand years and two regenerations ago. Way back when she had been a young man with floppy hair, lanky limbs and a more stable psyche. She remembered being him well. She still wore braces the way he had. The companions exchanged confused looks.

“I don't think I've seen this face of yours before? I like it.“ River mumbled, rubbing her face to wake herself up. “I hope this is not a dream and my wishful thinking again.“ She smirked, as she looked her up and down. This was the first time her husband had regenerated into a woman and she was beyond intrigued. “Is there a reason why you brought company? Cause that’s usually not how it works, when you turn up in my bedroom in the middle of the night.“

“River…“

“Yes, Sweetie, you said that already.“ River retorted in amusement. “Is she broken?“ The playful question was directed at the Fam, who didn’t really know how to respond or what to say.

“Uhm, we… we’re not sure what we’re doing here…“ Graham answered truthfully.

“The Tardis seemed to think she should come here.“ Yaz said, hoping this would somehow make sense to the woman in front of them. She clearly knew the Doctor, so honesty was the best policy. River raised her eyebrows, trying to put the pieces together and figure out what they were doing here. She returned her attention to the Doctor, she could tell something wasn’t quite right with her.

“River…“ This time her voice cracked and she broke down in tears. All the emotions she had tried to bury and ignore, bubbled to the surface and overwhelmed her. She covered her face with her hands as she sank to the floor, simply unable to keep herself upright. It felt like she was being torn apart. Her brain was working tirelessly to make sense of everything that had happened, everything she had learned and found out. The harder she tried, the more she felt herself breaking, and the cracks were becoming impossible to hide. River was the only person, that had ever been able to really understand her. Perhaps she could help her make sense of it all.

Yaz, Ryan and Graham were in shock, they didn’t know what to do. They had been worried when all she had really done was sulk. This was a whole different ball game and it terrified them. Before any of them could even move, River had already rushed to the Doctor's side and pulled her into her arms. The Doctor buried her face in the crook of her neck and wrapped her arms around her. She held on for dear life, as she blocked out the world around her. River whispered reassuring nothings to her, as she pressed a kiss onto her soft hair. It was incredible how the Doctor could change completely - become an entirely different person - and yet remain exactly the same. Every time they just picked up where they left off last time, without a hitch. White haired Scotsman to petite blonde... the Doctor never failed to surprise her. 

“I can take it from here, why don’t you give us some privacy?“ River said, without really looking at the companions. Her attention remained with the Doctor, as she pulled her close running her hand through her hair.

“Right, yeah…“ Ryan was confused and Graham looked at the Doctor with worry. None of them had ever seen her like this.

“I’m sorry, but who are you?“ Yaz couldn’t stop herself from asking. “We can’t just, you know, leave her, when she’s like this, we don’t know you and…“ She felt a little silly. It was obvious that the two knew each other well, but with everything that had happened recently, they couldn’t be too careful.

“I’m Professor River Song.“ River replied, as if that answered everything, looking up at them briefly. When none of them reacted, she added with a sigh. “I’m her wife. And you’re in my bedroom sooo…“ She waved her hand a little as a goodbye, but gave them a kind smile. She appreciated that they clearly cared for the Doctor, but they needed to be alone now. The Fam just stared back at her in shock at the surprising revelation, but decided not to press the issue right now. There were certainly a lot of questions to be answered, but those would have to wait until the Doctor was feeling better.

“We’ll be right inside if you need us…“ Graham said, and reluctantly, they disappeared into the Tardis, closing the door behind themselves.

“So, you didn’t tell them about me then?“ River chuckled. It wasn’t an accusation, she was just stating the obvious.

“I… I didn’t even know if… if I would ever see you again…“ The Doctor just about managed to say through her tears.

“Oh darling, I’m right here.“ River assured her, and placed another kiss on her head. “It’ll be okay, Sweetie, I’m sure, but you will have to tell me what’s going on.“

“I don’t know where to start…“

“The beginning is usually a good place.“ River smiled encouragingly. “But before you do, can we please get up of the floor? I’m not as young as I look.“ The Doctor laughed a little, despite her emotional state.

“For what it’s worth, you look every bit as beautiful as I remembered…“ She wiped her eyes with her sleeve as they got to their feet, River helped her up. Despite everything, the Doctor took a moment to admire her wife’s long bare legs, as she was only wearing a little nightdress.

“Eyes up, Doctor.“ River smirked, as she lead her to the bed and they sat down. Immediately, the Doctor wrapped her arms around her middle again and rested her head against her chest. She took a deep breath calming down a little, as the initial shock wore off. She closed her eyes, and listened to the distinct double heartbeat in her chest. River held her close, kissing her head every now and then, playing with her hair absentmindedly. They just sat for a while without speaking, they didn’t need to, not just yet. River was waiting patiently until she was ready to talk. She knew this happened from time to time. The Doctor had always been a master of avoidance, refusing to process, burying his emotions rather than working through them. He had always carried on pretending things were just fine. But every now and then, things caught up with him. They would send him spiralling and River was always prepared to help him - well, her - pick up the pieces.

“I have missed you so much…“ The Doctor whispered weakly, and River smiled a little.

“I have missed you too, Sweetie. I always miss you and I never know when and if I’m going to see you again either…“ She brought her hand to her cheek and stroked her with her thumb. “But I have faith.“ 

“What do you have faith in?“ The Doctor asked quietly.

“You? The universe? Fate? If there is such a thing?“ River shrugged, she had never really thought about it. “I certainly believe in you and your impossible ways.“ She smiled a soft smile.

“I don’t know what I believe in anymore…“ The Doctor mumbled.

“What happened, Doctor?“ River asked softly.

“I went to Gallifrey, not so long ago…“ The Doctor answered, not sure where to begin, so she just started with the first thing that came to her mind. She knew she needed to talk about it, and even if her thoughts weren’t structured or clear, she knew River would understand her. “The Master laid waste to it. All the Timelords wiped out, the Citadel in ruins…“ She broke off, she knew there were a lot of reasons, why she shouldn’t care about what had happened to them, but she did. She still held fond memories of her supposed childhood there. Even if she didn’t know the full extend of what had been done to her in her lifetimes before the memory wipe, it didn’t make the memories she had feel any less real.

“Why would he… well, I suppose being the Master, he doesn’t really need a reason, but did he have one?“ River asked processing the information. “I’m so sorry, my love.“

“He did, actually…“ The Doctor answered. “Surprising, I know… he found something out about our past, my past and about the Timelords… and it made him very angry…“

“What was it?“ River frowned.

“The Timelords weren’t born with the ability to regenerate… it’s a genetic modification that they introduced, based on the DNA of another species that no-one knows anything about.“ The Doctor answered slowly. “One of their explorers... she came across an orphan who had seemingly be thrown into our galaxy through a sort of portal, I don’t know any details… but this child was able to regenerate again and again, infinite regenerations… they experimented on her, trying to isolate whatever it was that allowed her to do it.“ She tensed a little remembering the images she had seen in the Matrix, and it made her shudder. “They got it in the end and spliced it into their own DNA, creating the pretentious Timelord race… smoke and mirrors… build on lies hidden deep in the collective memory of their people…“

“You are the child.“ River realised in an instant, as if it was the most logical thing in the universe and the Doctor laughed bitterly.

“Looks like you are quicker than me, the Master had to spell it out for me.“

“You said _their_ people, not _our_ people…“ River explained, almost regretting how she had just burst out with it, without allowing her to finish in her own time. It was a lot to process. They both remained silent for a moment before River asked: “So how come you don’t remember this? Or do you?“ The Doctor shook her head.

“No… I saw parts of memories in the matrix but they’re not my own. I see it and I don’t see myself… They have wiped my memory somehow… I don’t know how much I lost. How many more lifetimes I’ve lead, before what I think of as my childhood.“ She shrugged, she was at a complete loss. “How am I supposed to know who I am, when I can’t remember my own life? River, I just don’t know who I am anymore. Everything that I thought I was, it’s all a lie.“ She looked at River pleadingly. “I want to believe that it doesn’t take away from who I am. I want to believe, that it somehow makes me _more_ to know that I have lived and experienced more than I knew but… how am I supposed to know myself, when I don’t remember my past?“

“I know you.“ River answered and she made her sit up, made her look at her, as she took her hand in hers. “Memories don't define you. So you’re missing a few, so what? Does it change how you act? Does it change how you think and feel and care. Or how any of us feel about you? You have thousands of years worth of memories already, what difference would a few more make?“ She chuckled with a shrug and gave her a loving smile. “You would still be out there travelling the universe. Your friends would still follow you. I would still love you. Those constants won’t change, whether you recover those memories one day or not. They won’t define you.“ She gave her hands a squeeze and the Doctor felt tears welling up in her eyes again. She lowered her gaze, looking at their intertwined hands.

“What if before this life that I’ve known, I was completely different? What if they _made_ me different?“ She whispered, voicing her fears.

“You can’t just fundamentally change someone, Doctor, you are still you.“ River insisted and cupped her face with her free hand, making her look up again. “I have met so many different versions of you, and no matter how old or young you are, you are you. You are ancient and forever. You are the Doctor and nothing will change that.“ There was so much determination in her voice, that the Doctor didn’t dare respond. She just looked back at her, wondering what she had done to deserve someone that loved her as much as River evidently did. “Yes, you might be a different person before but then, you’re different every time you regenerate, and yet you’re still the same. The essence of you remains, and that has nothing to do with memories.“ River carried on when the Doctor remained silent, just taking in her words. “Yes, they shape and inform how we act, drawing on past experiences but whether you have those memories or not, it doesn’t change what’s in your hearts. I believe even if I had none of my memories of our adventures together, I would still love you all the same. Like my parents. Whatever the circumstances, against all odds, they always found each other, and so would we.“ The Doctor smiled a little at the thought of Amy and Rory, and their love for each other transcending space and time. She missed them dearly. 

“I’ve been reading my diary…“ She confessed, as she pulled it from her coat pocket and looked at it thoughtfully. “That is one part of my life I know is true, it’s all here in black and white, I might not be able to trust my memory, but I can trust this.“ 

“It’s just words on paper, Doctor.“ River chuckled. “A book can be burned. Memories can be wiped. What remains is how we feel.“ She pressed her hand to her wife’s chest feeling her heartbeats, strong and steady. “How you feel right now is what determines your future, not what happened a long time ago that you don’t even remember. So you’re not a Timelord, so what? You’re more than they are, they’re just a poor imitation of you.“

“I know that…“ The Doctor responded quietly.

“Then wear that batch with pride, Darling. And know that you are who you are not _because_ but _in_ _spite_ of them.“ River insisted.

“And who am I, River? The Timeless Child? What does that even mean? I wish I had some answers.“ The Doctor shook her head, trying to make sense of it all.

“You are the Doctor.“ River answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe. “The name you chose, the name you live by, no-one determines who you are but yourself. Not your past, not the Timelords, certainly not the Master with his constant meddling, not even the people who love you. Just you.“ She smiled at her full of adoration.

“I love you, River.“ The Doctor said, looking up at her. She knew she had never told her enough, but she did. She leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to her wife’s lips. “I don’t think I would be the same person without you.“

“Did you even listen to a word I said?“ She smirked in amusement. “You were the Doctor before we met, and you will continue to be when I’m long gone. As much as it pains me to admit it, without me, you would still be you… just maybe not as happy and well adjusted without someone to pick up the pieces every once in a while.“ She added playfully, hoping she had made her point. The Doctor smiled but remained silent, processing her words with a strange sort of sadness. “Luckily for us though, we won’t have to put that theory to the test just yet, will we? We’re both here.“ River said feeling like they had got somewhere at last.

“Yes…“ The Doctor nodded, feeling a wave of relief. They were both here. Nothing had changed. She had told her everything, and River still looked at her the same way she always had. It made the Doctor’s hearts flutter.

“We’re both here, on a bed and I’m in a skimpy little nightdress…“ River went on flirtily.

“Yes…“ The Doctor agreed blushing a little.

“So in conclusion, you may be an immortal God now or whatever, but there is no reason to get even more big headed than you already are. You’re still just you.“ River chuckled. “So now, can we move on to discussing me problems?“

“Your problems?“ The Doctor looked at her confused.

“Like the fact that your sense of style is horrific as usual, I mean, three quarter length trousers? Really? I should much prefer you take those clothes off when you’re in my bed.“

“Oh!“

——

“Do you think we should go and check on her?“ Ryan asked sipping his morning coffee.

“They’ve had all night, I think it’s time.“ Yaz agreed. “I mean, I’m sure it’s all fine, but we should check anyway.“

“I think you should go… just stick your head out.“ Ryan encouraged her.

“Why me?“ Yaz retorted apprehensively.

“Cause we’re still having breakfast, you’re done.“ Graham agreed with his grandson.

“Fine…“ She wanted to be sure the Doctor was okay, so it was in her own interest. She crossed the console room and opened the door to find herself back in the bedroom. “Doctor? Professor Song?“ She was greeted by silence, and she quickly closed the Tardis door again from the inside.

“Everything okay?“ Graham asked confused at her quick return.

“Yup, totally fine, why wouldn't it be fine? It's fine.“ Yaz blushed, trying her best to pretend she hadn’t seen the two women intertwined in a naked cuddle. Luckily, they had still been fast asleep.


End file.
